The veterinarian carefully probed Smokey’s abdomen and looked at Saul with a concerned frown. “There’s definitely a large mass here Mr. Lucchese.”
Saul cleared his throat and gently stroked his small grey cat. “So, it’s cancer then.”
“We can’t be sure without tests. An MRI would be best and we can treat your cat with chemotherapy and additional medication if it turns out to be cancer. With luck you and Smokey could have another two or three years together. We need you to sign some forms before we proceed.”
He was about to ask for the forms when he noticed the veterinary technician in the room wouldn’t look him in the eye. He wasn’t sure but his gut told him she was ashamed about something.
“I’ll have to think about it first.”
“Don’t take too long Mr. Lucchese. We don’t want Smokey to suffer.”
Saul’s bullshit meter immediately started to flash red. He gave the veterinarian a hard look and Saul Lucchese was a hard man. “Like I said. I’ll need to think about it.”
The veterinarian shifted away from him nervously. “Call the front desk when you come to a decision then.”
He carefully loaded his elderly cat back into the crate as he was left alone in the examining room. He placed a big, calloused hand on Smokey’s back and rubbed his thumb between her ears while the cat purred.
“Don’t worry Smokey. We’ll figure things out.”
He waited patiently in the front room with Smokey’s crate on his lap. People came and went with their pets and staff would come out of the back rooms to use the computers. When the vet tech he had noticed before was busy at one of the computers he approached her while carrying Smokey with him.
“I would like to hire you as a veterinary consultant for ten minutes miss. Would that be okay with you?”
She looked up at him with surprise and glanced cautiously at some of the other people that were working at reception. “That wouldn’t be appropriate Mr. Lucchese.”
“I can understand that. How about I buy you some lunch instead? You choose the place.”
The vet tech looked back at him and was about to refuse but changed her mind when she saw the sadness in his lined face.
“I’m taking my lunch break now.” She told one of the women at the clinic and picked up her coat and purse.
The restaurant she chose was a block away and after they had given the waitress their orders Saul tucked a hundred dollar bill under her coffee cup.
“That’s for ten minutes of your time.”
“I can’t …”
“You don’t have bills to pay? Of course, you can and it’s worth it to me as long as you give me straight answers. What should I do with Smokey?”
The young woman stared at him for a moment and twisted an engagement around her finger. Saul wondered what her fiancé looked like and if he was treating her right.
“Your cat has cancer Mr. Lucchese. She’s seventeen and she is probably in the last weeks of her life. All the tests are bullshit and so is the treatment. It would have cost you ten thousand dollars and made your cat’s last days a misery.”
Saul nodded slowly. His expression didn’t change but he was trying to control a savage burst of anger. He didn’t care about losing ten G’s but the idea of being emotionally manipulated and especially that Smokey would have suffered put him in a murderous rage. He knew the feeling because Saul had murdered seven people, so far.
“What should I do?”
She was so moved by how lost this granite faced man sounded that she leaned forward and placed her hand on his. “Your cat would want to stay at home with you, not in a cage in a vet’s office. When my cat was dying, I kept him home and made sure he wasn’t in any pain until I knew it was time and sent him along with an overdose.”
Saul reluctantly pulled his hand from hers and removed a wallet from the breast pocket of his suit. He emptied the wallet and handed her ten 100 dollar bills.
“Could you please get what I need and tell me what dosages I need to use.”
“I can’t take this.”
“You can. It’s all the cash I’ve got on me or I’d give you more. It’s worth it to me. Smokey is … Smokey is my only friend.”
Tonight was Saturday night and a mandatory meeting for Saul and six other Capos in this Brooklyn neighbourhood. He had become increasingly disenchanted with some of the young guys and Saturday nights had become the worst night of the week for him. When he had been a young man working his way up the organization he used to look forward to seeing the boys on Saturday.
“C’mon Saul, drink up! You’re drinking like a little bitch over there. Next thing we know you’ll be joining AA.”
Saul raised his eyes from the table to look back at Antonio. The puffed up little pissant would go nuts if you dared to call him by the informal name Tony. “Not feeling so good. Don’t feel like drinking.”
“Oh right, you’re feeling bad about your stupid cat. Poor little Saul is crying about his little pussy.”
Saul pretended to smile at rubbed at the knuckles of his right hand. He had made the mistake of telling someone he was taking Smokey to the vets and now everyone knew. Antonio was eager to grab at any chance to mock Saul because he was jealous of Saul’s reputation for ruthless competence.
“Shut up Antonio.” One of the other Capos snapped. “I was broken up when my German Shephard died. You don’t know what it’s like to own a pet.”
“What is this? The View? We all gonna cry about our widdle pets like a bunch of menopausal bitches? Aww, poor little Saul’s pussy is sick. Tell you what Saul. I’ll call one of my girls over here and you can play with her pussy.”
Saul smiled until his teeth showed. “You’re funny Tony. You’ve always been funny, haven’t you?” Saul’s tone loaded multiple definitions into the word ‘funny.’
“My name is Antonio!”
“Your name is whatever I say it is.”
Antonio stood up and moved toward Saul but without any conviction. Everyone at the table knew what would happen if an angry Saul got his hands on him. He seemed relieved when someone held him back while he shouted at Saul.
Saul ignored Antonio’s empty threats and pulled his chair away from the table. “Going out for some fresh air.” He muttered and left the private room in the nightclub. Instead of heading for the exit, he entered the bathroom where he went into a toilet booth and sat on the lid for awhile behind the closed door.
This had been his life for twenty years now and he was good at it but he was finally realizing how much he hated it. He cared more about his sick cat at home than he did for all the men in the room he’d just left. They were all ruthless sharks constantly swimming, scamming and stealing to make money they would then blow out their ass in an expensive nightclub like this.
His heart was broken that Smokey was dying but he felt nothing for the people in his life. He didn’t know if there was something wrong with him but he suspected it was because his life was garbage.
He started to cry silently and pulled out toilet paper to wipe his eyes and blow his nose. Showing weakness like this in front of the boys could be tantamount to a death sentence.
Saul decided that after Smokey died it was time for a new life. He had been smart and saved his money so that was an option for him. He would leave New York and settle in small city somewhere in the middle of the country. Start up an honest business, like supplying car parts for guys that still fixed their own cars. He knew more about cars than just how to steal them and ship them overseas.
Maybe in time he could find a nice woman like that vet tech who would hold his hand when he was hurting. He didn’t care what she might look like.
After he stopped crying, he opened the door to the stall and washed his face with cold water at one of the sinks. He looked up at the mirror to see a startled Antonio zipping up as he turned away from a urinal.
“Saul. You know I was just busting your balls, right?”
“Busting balls? That sounds like fun, maybe I should give it a try.”
“Take it easy, take it easy. We’re both made guys.”
Saul felt the anger drain out of him as quickly as it came. What was the point of one less asshole in the world? There would always be another Antonio. He left the bathroom without another word.
Something felt wrong and it woke him up. He flipped down the footrest on his lazy boy while his fuzzy mind tried to figure out what was out of place. Saul realized the familiar warmth on his chest where Smokey always slept was absent.
“Smokey, where are you girl?”
He stood up and listened for a moment until he heard a scratching from near the back door. He followed the sound to find Smokey inside the litterbox scratching at the litter and vainly trying to pee. She looked up him and meowed piteously.
“Hey Smokey. That’s okay, don’t worry about that. You’ve always been a good girl about using the litter box. You’ve always been a good girl.” She felt weightless as he picked her up. She hadn’t wanted to eat anything yesterday or this morning either. He knew it was bad when she had no interest in an open can of tuna that would usually have her winding around his legs in excitement.
Saul held her with one hand as filled up a syringe with five times the dosage of pain killer that he had been giving her. “Here we go. This will make you feel better old girl.”
He settled himself on the familiar lazy boy with Smokey perched on his stomach and flipped up the foot rest. Smokey looked up at him with cloudy, confused eyes.
“Whoops! That’s all right girl. I don’t care if you piss on me. I hope that makes you feel better. Here we go, let’s get you up on my chest so you’re not sitting in urine. I can change my shirt later.”
He put his large, thick hands on top of the emaciated cat to keep her warm and was gratified to hear Smokey start to purr.
“Everything’s gonna be okay, Smokey. Everything’s gonna be okay.”
Beautiful and heartbreaking. And I love how you make the main character such a complete monster in some ways (murderer, crook, etc.), yet so deftly show how even someone like that can have humanity for some things...and especially the way we, as humans, can connect so strongly with animals.
Thank you for this bittersweet story. Many years ago my children and I had a sweet cat also named Smokey; my older daughter found her as a kitten in a drainpipe in a nearby field and brought her home, where she bonded with our other cat and our dog. When her time came, I held her on my chest – always a place of rest for her – as she slipped away. Your story took me right back to that moment...